6 Tips for Keeping your Marriage strong while Farming or Homesteading.

When we think of a farm or homestead, we often picture an idyllic life of a family working together. Many of us who desire this start looking for land, learning about permaculture, deciding what animals we want, reading books on vegetable production, and designing chicken coops. But sometimes we fail to invest in one of the very relationships that the success of our homesteading or farming endeavor is dependent on, our marriage.

 

There are many examples of husbands and wives passionately working together. But, especially when it comes to the farming or homesteading ‘bug’, we often see one spouse who has been ‘bitten’ while the other who is being somewhat unwillingly drug along. One spouses farming dream can be the others nightmare and the topic can become a source of strain. Sound familiar?

In my case I am blessed that both my wife and I have been ‘bitten’ by the farming bug. We both love growing things. We love life on the farm. But there are times I allow my farm to put an unhealthy strain on my wife. And as much as she loves me and supports me she can begin to be robbed of her joy.

So what can we do when we find our agricultural endeavors and our marriage are seemingly at odds with each other?

We need to recognize that healthy relationships, especially marriage, are critical to have a thriving, sustainable farm or homestead.

When God put the first gardener/farmer in the garden of Eden he looked at him and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper for him.” Not that every farmer will be blessed with a spouse, but it seems like Gods normal design for stewarding the land involves the teamwork of a husband and wife. For all we know Adam was a great farmer, but he ended up being kicked out of the garden in part because he failed in his responsibilities as a husband.

So what are some practical things we can do as farmers and gardeners to make sure we are building our farms on a strong marriage? My wife and I have only been married seven and a half years and are definitely still learning lots in this area, but here are a few tips we have found helpful.

6 Tips for Keeping your Marriage strong while Farming or Homesteading.

1. Encourage one another in your relationship with Jesus

• A few years ago my wife sweetly but genuinely asked, “What can I do to be a better wife?” After thinking about it a second I replied, “Love Jesus more.” My wife and I are not perfect, and the Love of Jesus changes our hearts the more we are able to love each other. If we are both serving the same master, then there is much be unity. So my wife and I try to make sure the other gets ‘time with Jesus’ each day. And it makes a big difference.

2. Find little ways every day to prioritize your marriage.

• If there is one thing my wife and I are committed to other than following Jesus, it’s our marriage. So at the end of the day we have to remind ourselves that other things, like farming, are optional, but not our relationship. If I had to choose between my farm or my wife, I would definitely choose my wife. But this is an easy thing to forget in the small things everyday. So finding practical ways I can prioritize my wife is helpful for me. For instance, when I come in for lunch and it isn’t ready yet I tend to work on something farm related while I wait. But lately I have been trying instead to help her with something like washing the dishes. My wife says it is actually the small things like this that spark romance at the end of the day!

3. Take time to communicate your dreams

• Listening. It is easy to allow busyness to keep us from hearing where the heart of our spouse is. Taking time at the end of the day or at the beginning helps keep you on the same page. What are the current hopes and dreams of your spouse? Do you know? Listening is a great way to prioritize and show love and care for each other. My wife and I just got finished with our “morning coffee” time where we just hang out and talk about whatever is on our hearts. We just started being purposeful about that this year and it has really helped our relationship.
• Where are you going together? Before or when we first get married most couples spend a lot of time dreaming together about where God wants them to go and do and be as a family. But it seems to be a rare thing later on in marriage. Especially as we farm or homestead as a family it is really important to take time to talk about your ideal destination as a family. Where God wants you to be headed and end up. If you could arrive at the ‘perfect’ relationship with God, marriage, home, parenting, health, etc., what would that look like? Sometimes my wife and I discover we are working toward slightly different destination without even realizing it! When we take time to dream together it can help us realign.

4. Take time to plan together

• Since farming, homesteading, or even just having a garden is such a lifestyle commitment it is important to be able to work together as a team. So taking time to plan with your spouse can really be valuable. Planning what needs to be done, when it is going to be done, who is going to do it, etc., is so helpful. My wife and I try to plan our week together each Sunday. Then we plan our days each evening. It allows us to find ways we can help and work with each other.

5. Spend non-work time together

• Our spouse is not just our co-worker. They should be our best friend and lover. Especially if we work together it is easy to think that we spend plenty of time together. But working time is not the same as ‘date’ or ‘visiting’ time. For the health of our relationship it is important to have times just to sit together, take a walk, go to dinner, read a book together, play a game, or just stare into each other’s eyes. We need to take time to win each other’s hearts by being humble, encouraging, available, reliable, and tender.

6. Pray together

• There are times that my wife and I will spend lots of time discussing something and trying to get on the same page. Then when we finally do what we should have probably done at first, and pray together about it, then it brings such unity. When we pray together, especially on issues we don’t see exactly eye to eye on, it helps the focus to be on us seeking God’s direction together, rather than debating each other’s different perspectives.

Conclusion

The success of our gardens, homesteads and farms are impacted not just by our agricultural methods, but by our relationships with the people we do life with. This is particularly true of our marriages. We need to treat our marriages as something to be tenderly invested in and cultivated. I tremble at times when I look back and realize that if I neglected my garden as much as I neglected my relationship with my wife at times it would be ridiculous to expect it to thrive. But as I begin to find practical ways to invest time, energy, and money in my marriage I find that it becomes more valuable and spills that value over into our agriculture and other areas of life.

So what’s one thing you will do today to invest in your marriage or important relationships?